Cuz id rather feel pain than nothing at all

 Its not that i want to self destruct, but after the year ive had , i just want some peace.

Im 1 week into the new programme i made up for myself. basically as much of a calorie defict as i can, workouts daily even if its jsut yoga, as long as i do something its all ok..

i just dont feel any smaller. Mom commented  i look gaunt the other day... i swear i almost said thank you...ahah.. dad said i was pale and the bf said i look like id lot weight...but i think he was just saying that to be honest...

what i want more than anytthing is to be small right now. i want to  be on my own, in a comfy bed. quite. nothing more that the sounds of the outside and i want to be small..

im gettiing there...the conditioning is in place soon itll  become second nature again like it was before.... 

everyhing has a number and i know all the numbers...but my on currently....

gonna wait another few days and then weigh in... 

i got this

Seize the day

 I think tomorrow i will weigh myself.

im scared. god im scared but its a must if i want to know if im doing well or if i need to restrict more...

Calories have been harder to track given that the bf is a feeder and my dad has cooked a few times..

I dread to think...most days ive been at 400cals to 450... some days its been up there at 800 or so but i have then not eaten much the next day...

it seems harer this time around. like i have the drive, but ive lost my focus. or i no what i want to be but i dont have the motiation to get there like i used to.

i dunno. maybe im just weak. maybe becuz im not focusing on the numbers as much as i should. i feel like im failing.

I need to get bk to the gym. im takiing my kit with me 2mooro to work and im doing basic ab excersises and yoga. then if i have the time im gonna do a run  on the cross trainer. i dont like the cross trainer as much as the treadmill tho. it makes me sad that i have to use that then go to my gym. but it is an option of course i just gotta make it a priority.

i miss being small. i miss the way things were loose and the way i had to always size down. i kept my small skirt as a token of encouragement. i cant remeber if i kept the jeans. it made me sad to look at them. 

Tomorrow i will weigh myself.

and im scared ill see a number i wont like an ill spiral again.

but i cant not weigh myself.

its beens too long.

fingers crossed im closer than i was.

Is it time yet

Today was a semi good day

I managed to control most of my calories

I had no breakfast

I had a pineapple ring for lunch

and for tea i had 2 small eggs, scrambled, with pickled cabbage and 1 tomato.

Total: 50+54+54+38+22 = 218! yay!

Tomorrow for lunch i have packed half a 81 cal banana, 1 granny smith apple and a lemon...for lemon water.

i have 3 rice cakes (31) each with a smallll amount of philidelphia lightest spread, 27cal per 30g.

I will try not to have tea if i can help it.

if thats all i eat ill have had 81+120 =201!! yay!

we got this.

i had just a bowl of hommade soup monday and 1 petit pan, and tuesday i had 1/2 portion of soup and som chicken in sauce with rice... tuesday i was seeing the bf and hes a feeder sooooo...

onwards and upward!!

i will win. i will be small again...

and

 Everyday , its a getting closer, gonna take a bath with my toaster...

i wish i could just be happy but i cant when i can  look down and see the bulge that is my stomach.  i hate it.

he kept feeding me yesterday. i kept saying i wasnt hungry but he wouldnt listen. i m=did so well and thn he forced me to eat. my 240 calories turned into at least 1000, if not more. 

I had:  2 small yoghurts at 43cal , some bluberries 20cal, small handful of cheerios 80cal..

and then....a footlong hot dog 600cal?? and then a stickky toffee pudding with cream! 362+130? 492!! christ thats a lot

So in total my fat ass had 1278cals approx*

i may as well have eaten a tub of lard. its disgusting.

I hate feeling this way. so out of control. food is the one thing i should control but if he keeps making me eat how can i win?

Made meeat breakfast this morning but i got away with a small portion of cornflakes, semi skimmed milk and no sugar. id say 150cals tops as i had a tiny portion.

And thats all im eating today.

i make myself sick.

i need to have better control

and i will. 

i weighed myself this morning on his scales again. still 63kg but thats hardly suprising given the amount i ate yesterday. knew i shouldnt have took lunch.

i have a juicer coming so next week is juice and soup week... liquid diet and all seriously low cal. watch this space... im gonna get small again. i will. i must.... i swear to god i will.

i refuse to be the chunky one. i refuse to have my eating habits mocked. 

i am going to get through the rest of 2021 on low calories and start 2022 on a lighter note & weight....

my number

Today i found out my number.

I was scared but i had to. I dont know where i am if i dont know where i started. And even if its bad.. Its fuel for the fire...

Its bad. Real bad. I had to use the bf scales as i hid mine real well...

Even i cant remember where i put them.. 

So the numbet was in KG i dont use kg, i use pounds and stone.. So i had a moment of... Shit that's a big number.. What does it mean...

I am 63kg...9st 9lb apparently. According to Google... 

I feel like i weigh 16 stone 

I look like i weight 18 stone. 

Im gonna try my scales at the weekend. 

If it says im fatter im gonna cry. I almost did when i saw 63kg even tho i didn't understand what it meant it may as well have said 63stone cuz its what i thought... 

Bright side is the latest family trauma has really helped me feel utterly shit and out of control. So my appetite has gone... I feel sick.. Sick sick sick...

I think im gonna buy some laxitives. I feel like my stomach is bloated allll the time. They may help... 

At least now i have my number, i have a starting point i can compare and ensure im smaller than this by xmas.

Watch me shrink.

For i do not wish to stand tall in the 

sunshine and the flowers

I want to disintegrate into the dirt

 and feed the worms 

with what flesh is left.

My number is 9.9/63kg

Thus it has begun....again

 I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end....

Im still a piece of shit thats struggling with the same bull over and over and over...

Id love to say i get well each time but i think i just push it down till it becomes  a problem again. Clearly i dont get better... i get much worse as each time i fall head first down that rabbit hole, i get deeper and deeper into it and my UGW get smaller and smaller...

100lbs used to be my number...

100lbs was all i could want and was always soooo close but id give up ...or should i say 'recover' right as i got close...

Now 99 is my number...

it suddenly came to me, like why would i want 100 when i could be 99??

99lbs sounds so much ....better?

so thats the new goal. thats what im working towards.

from today

Todays Intake

Breakfast : Nothing

Dinner: BF made me a healthy rice and chicken dish , est 449cals

Tea: Nothing

Snacks: None

EXCERSIZE 40 mins of cardio and weights inc rowing and cross trainer. 

The bf even brought me my fave milkshake, i had 2 sips, took it away and threw it in the bin...

i love the fact he thought of me, but i cant have milkshakes anymore. they are what make me gain weight...

I even brought all the alpro vegan milks again, the lowest cal , no sweetner , nut based drinks for my porridge and my coffees ...

i made some overnight oats for 2moro. i put less than half a cup of oats in, some blueberries and strawberries and a dash of coconut milk with 3g of PB in it for protein...

dads making food 2moro night. dont know how ill avoid it. Might have to fake sickness, or 'keep it for lunch the next day'

we shall see...

the 1st week is always up & down. like with anything it needs to become a routine,...

Question is...do i weigh myself? dare i look at how big i have become??

My life is like inception...just a real dark shitty version of it.

 Well what can i say?

things went from bad to worse..

Mr shouty turned out to be Mr gaslighty, drug dealer, almost got us both killed kinda BF.

I left my job to help a friend and hopefully gain more money but that went to shit due to dads depression and moms lack of ability to work with me... 

so then i was jobless... and then  i got into an actual fist fight with my dad. 

so you see life isnt fun..

worst yet...im now fat again.

My wonderful , handsome amazing bf i currently have (till i fuck it up of course) tells me i look amazing and he loves me for how i am...

What a fucking lie.

Bitch please. i can see how large i have become. A size 10 now fits snuggly... when before a size 8 barely stayed on my body...

i feel so disgusting. i am a failure in life and in my weight.

i hate what ive become. 

my new job is 9-5 mon to fri with gym included.

i have no exscuse.. i can workout after work, i will be small again.. i refuse to look like this any more,,,, 

Nothing feels as good as skinny feels. Nothing. even after all these years...i still feel like i am never happier than when im shrinking. into nothing...