Ive fallen down the rabbit hole again

Where do i even begin...

So after leaving my dream job as i ruined lives, i started at a place that was soul destroying. But it meant i was free... 

I got made redundant. Lost my job, my house, my independence. My control.. 

Im still with the man who shouted at me but things are a lot better now. He jisy needed to see i wasnt gonna up and go when shit got tough. We have been together over a year. I do love him. More than anything. I guess thats why I got comfortable. 

Why i got used to being regular. 

Forgot i was fat

Let go of the control. 

But i cant anymore. 

I grained so mucb weight. My clothes felt tight had i knew i had failed. 

I was 10 stone again. 

More than when i left SW. 

Ive never felt so sick in all my life. 

So i went on my diet again. Re read my old books. Last time i checked which was about a week ago i was 9st 3 lb. Im trying to not weigh in daily. 

Parents will get suspicious. But its hard to hide it when ur being watched. 

I dont want to let him down but i cant keep going as i am

Im tooo big. I can see fat and i hate itm im beginning to be ashamed  of myself even more. 

I know i can do it. 

I got to the 7s b4 im aiming for 8stone again. I did 2 weeks of no food before. This should be a walk in the park. 

Restrict. Limit. Lose. 

I have a plan. Today is day 1 and it goes as follows 

DAY 1 700CALS

DAY 2 400 CALS

DAY 3 FAST

DAY 4 500 CALS

DAY 5 300 CALS

DAY 6 200 CALS

DAY 7 FAST

DAY 8 WEIGH IN DAY

Fingers crossed for success. I will work out also. I really miss the gym. Covid has ruined that for me. Yes i can run outside but ita dark and cold now its winter and i did that in the summer i cant do it in the winter as no lights. I fucking hate this.

I just wanna be a pretty skinny girl with a nice home, loving bf and good job. 

But right now we will just focus on the skinny... 

CW 129 lbs

GW 112 lbs

UGW 100 lbs

where is your heart?

I feel so lost

So much changed and yet nothing changed at all.

I run till my nails fall off,  and yet

I still feel empty and unwanted.

I hit my goal of 7st 13lb. I hit the 7s.

I was happy,  then it all went to shit.

I got out the work I was in after wrecking lives of those I never meant to 

I tried to be normal I tried so hard

I got into a relationship with a man who is complete opposite to what I go for.

I left behind a man who adored me and could give me the world.  But I couldn't feel the same. I let go of a potentially nice man who wanted to see the world and take me with him...

But I went with my gut. 

Sometimes hes nice, loving, amazing, all i could want.

Then theres the days he shouts at me for not knowing something. 

The days he starts arguments becuase I forget hes told me something unimportant 

The ways he makes me feel like I'm at fault even though hes the one who lost his temper...

I cant win. And he says he cant win.

I think I love him, but he says he wont be hurt if we break up so surely he doesn't love me?

He makes me eat . Made me eat.

But I'm not anymore .

I'm done . I just want to shrink away into nothing. Hes dated a girl with anorexia before, I say I dont have that. Of course not . I eat, see? 

But I feel like theres no point anymore .

I'm done trying. 

Im running and I just keep running. 5 miles, 7 miles , 10 miles. I'll keep going further and further until I cant move anymore.

I dont want any of this.

I dont want my job. I don't want this body, I dont want the stress.  If he wants to go he can. I wont stop him or beg for him to stay.  

I want to be alone so I can sit in the quiet , go to sleep,  forget about food, life, love, future.

It's like everyone has moved on and found there purpose and I'm still where I was 5 years ago.

I dont know my number. I'm too afraid to look.