my number

Today i found out my number.

I was scared but i had to. I dont know where i am if i dont know where i started. And even if its bad.. Its fuel for the fire...

Its bad. Real bad. I had to use the bf scales as i hid mine real well...

Even i cant remember where i put them.. 

So the numbet was in KG i dont use kg, i use pounds and stone.. So i had a moment of... Shit that's a big number.. What does it mean...

I am 63kg...9st 9lb apparently. According to Google... 

I feel like i weigh 16 stone 

I look like i weight 18 stone. 

Im gonna try my scales at the weekend. 

If it says im fatter im gonna cry. I almost did when i saw 63kg even tho i didn't understand what it meant it may as well have said 63stone cuz its what i thought... 

Bright side is the latest family trauma has really helped me feel utterly shit and out of control. So my appetite has gone... I feel sick.. Sick sick sick...

I think im gonna buy some laxitives. I feel like my stomach is bloated allll the time. They may help... 

At least now i have my number, i have a starting point i can compare and ensure im smaller than this by xmas.

Watch me shrink.

For i do not wish to stand tall in the 

sunshine and the flowers

I want to disintegrate into the dirt

 and feed the worms 

with what flesh is left.

My number is 9.9/63kg