The Ups & The Downs

Just when you think you're out....
.....life sucks you back in.


I dont know anymore.

The guy i thought loved me didnt. Which is ok, because i didnt love him...but he would have led me further down the path if i hadnt ended it.... The worst part about the whole thing? He wanted his ex back...and what hurt the most was..she is FAT...Broken Promises. Broken Trust

Im with someone new...i love this one, i really do, always have...hes the guy i thought would never want me, because hes AMAZING.. and i was fat. Im less fat now, smallest ive ever been in fact...and i thought he liked that...i thought..
Turns out now im ''too thin' i need to 'gain some timber' apparently im 'just skin and bone'.... but i thought this is what you liked?...Broken promises...Broken trust

Ive come so far i cant go back. 

SW: 189 pounds
CW: 117 pounds
Diff: 72 pounds ..5.2 stone...32.6kg
UGW: 100 pounds...7.2 stone...45.3kg


...Just 17 more pounds to go...i can do this..

Im supposed to be body building... my bf wants us to train together...get lean, get muscles...eat 6 meals a day and eat at least 1800 calories..

...i looked at him horrified... i cant eat more than 450 cals a day...if i do the fat will come back and so will the cravings and the need for sweets and chocolate and before i know it a whole bar of chocolate will be gone, and a whole pack , no 2 packs of biscuits will be eaten and then the milkshake, the sweet, smooth milkshake which i love so very much....all of it..swirling around in me like a whirlpool...

its too risky. ill fall back to where i was. ill gain back every last pound...and then...he'll leave me.
He doesnt like fat girls.

i fit into size 6 jeans last week.
Size 6...SIX...it felt amazing, i felt so good for the first time in forever... then i looked in the mirror and saw the real me... fat. ugly, disgusting. 
But at least im working on it...

And do you know what the worst part is?...

...im no where near done yet..

i still have so far to go..

...but im closer than i was yesterday and thats what counts most.


or so i tell myself..

wanna know what pisses me off? 

they say you need to lose weight..
                so you lose weight..
they say you've done so well!
               so you lose more weight...
then they say you look good now, you've done good.
               so you lose more weight...
then they tell you that your a fucking rake whose lost too much weight!

                You know what? FUCK YOU. YOU encouraged this, YOU told me to start. YOU said i was getting too big. YOU laughed when i tried to excersize. YOU said only skinny girls can wear that. YOU made pig noises whenever i ate. YOU always asked if i was eating, really again?? YOU DID THIS. YOU . 

So dont fucking come at me and make me feel bad when i lose another 3lb in one week. Because you know what...? When i see those numbers get lower and lower, i see you, and your words mean less and less... and it feels EUPHORIC. 

SW- 189lb         CW- 142lb           UGW- 100lb      TIME TAKEN: 7 months so far
13.7 stone         10.2 stone           7.2 stone

Daily Motivation

When the fat girl becomes thin, shes a success story...

Never mind the fact she fucking starved to get herself to this point...

ignore that she cried if she saw the scales fluctuate daily

Forget she couldnt look at herself in any reflection, the sight of herself would ruin her whole day

fuck that shes now limiting herself to 500 cals a day, excersizes more than ever and feels utterly worthless when she eats...

Because eating is cheating...

Eating is failing

Eating will destroy all her hard work

You just keep telling yourself how great it is...

Now its limiting yourself, restricting, taking lax on a bad day, not letting anything pass your lips on a good day...
Feeling like a failure when you cant purge
Seeking validation where there's none to gain
Fearing the number on the scales is a lie
Even worse, fearing its the truth and you still have so far to go
Mentally counting the calories of everything you see
Posting a photograph on social media of yourself , in your gym kit, not because you want to show off, but so you can look back and be embarrassed at how fat you still are, and now everyone knows it. you cant hide it. You need to DIEt..

My head is filled with the calories of everything, i wake up and think about my weight, im at work and i think about my weight, i get home and i lie in bed and all i think about...is my weight...

I know it will be ok once im at my UGW...it has to be...

You all say you'll do it but you dont...

I am finally becoming the person i want to be

You cant compete with that...

I cant even begin to tell you how fucking good that feels. To be on my way to perfection.

Last year i was no one. 
I was a disgusting fat mess.
I was lonely
Single.
Isolated.
FAT.

Now...im 2 and a 1/2 stone lighter and still losing...

I have friends who do active things like aerobics & running, and although we all encourage each other and give praise when we do well, we all secretly hope each other fail.

Im in a relationship with a guy who loves me for me...hes over protective and i fucking love that he says im HIS. Forever.

Im halfway there...
My starting weight was 188 pounds.
CW is 148lbs 
UGW is 100lbs

i can do this
i will do this
abs not flab,
leave no footprints
float like a feather, graceful, beautiful...
size small will be big
until i can count my ribs