where is your heart?

I feel so lost

So much changed and yet nothing changed at all.

I run till my nails fall off,  and yet

I still feel empty and unwanted.

I hit my goal of 7st 13lb. I hit the 7s.

I was happy,  then it all went to shit.

I got out the work I was in after wrecking lives of those I never meant to 

I tried to be normal I tried so hard

I got into a relationship with a man who is complete opposite to what I go for.

I left behind a man who adored me and could give me the world.  But I couldn't feel the same. I let go of a potentially nice man who wanted to see the world and take me with him...

But I went with my gut. 

Sometimes hes nice, loving, amazing, all i could want.

Then theres the days he shouts at me for not knowing something. 

The days he starts arguments becuase I forget hes told me something unimportant 

The ways he makes me feel like I'm at fault even though hes the one who lost his temper...

I cant win. And he says he cant win.

I think I love him, but he says he wont be hurt if we break up so surely he doesn't love me?

He makes me eat . Made me eat.

But I'm not anymore .

I'm done . I just want to shrink away into nothing. Hes dated a girl with anorexia before, I say I dont have that. Of course not . I eat, see? 

But I feel like theres no point anymore .

I'm done trying. 

Im running and I just keep running. 5 miles, 7 miles , 10 miles. I'll keep going further and further until I cant move anymore.

I dont want any of this.

I dont want my job. I don't want this body, I dont want the stress.  If he wants to go he can. I wont stop him or beg for him to stay.  

I want to be alone so I can sit in the quiet , go to sleep,  forget about food, life, love, future.

It's like everyone has moved on and found there purpose and I'm still where I was 5 years ago.

I dont know my number. I'm too afraid to look.